soulmates and forgiveness
I needed to understand everything I learned recently. Perspective from where I'm standing. I found myself feeling a little uneasy when I realized who I was. What am I? A hungry punk who's lost everything. I was born to a world caught in a trance, so where else was someone who's sensitive to it going to end up? Other than this, probably dead.
That's already too much to carry so I decided to let go of something I've been wanting. Something I was taught to want. A soulmate. The perfect fit for me. If all pain at the root is being misunderstood, I wanted to find the person that would always understand. Grew up under the impression we've all got that person. It's just another cute story with sinister intentions. To make you a little more panicked. It's something else to worry about succeeding at. I'll never have that, not even close.
I've got another thing to let go of. Resentment. I've been using the last few days to try to find it in me to forgive everyone. Family, exes, whatever in between. They did their best in the machine. Even if it was at my expense. We never truly know each other, so how could we know how badly we hurt each other. If we did, we'd probably just exploit it to get ahead. I'm not a victim, this is what it means to be alive.
I'm not sure how much time I have left. I think I'm dying, and it feels surreal. I keep telling myself it's symbolic, it's metaphorical, but I needed to walk away and accept the fact that it's literal. My family's house was foreclosed. There's no heat where I sleep. Food is becoming a memory. I feel cold and weak. I sleep all day and look back on the life I've lived while I was awake. Isn't this how people live when they're about to die?
When my grandmother died I had no idea I'd be next. A part of me really wants to believe this is all symbolic. They may both be true. This might be what I deserve after taking on so many burdens on my own. The things that hide in the shadows and the light come forward like demons and angels. The things they say give me the rational to let go of my life. I don't know if I have it in me. I want to keep living, and I want to find the optimism, but there's no more wanting. There was never anything to want.
