what am i?
That question bothers me quiet a bit. I feel like I escaped purgatory to face an ultimatum. Am I to embody myself fully in every moment, or am I going to subject myself to the sickness of the mind? It sounds so easy. It's the thing everyone wants. Stepping through that door has found me at a loss for understanding but a sinister puzzle. Who exactly am I?
I enjoy quantum physics and unorthodox understandings of time. I personally see time as a loop rather than a linear experience, the illusion of death as if separate from the cycle, and not the center of the spiral, is a tragic sonnet. That can be a jarring idea to some people. It brings me a lot of peace though, there is more peace to be found in entropy than a staircase. It does bother me in the sense I don't know what's ever been real. I don't know how one would define real when talking about the future or the past. Don't we find ourselves revisiting old ideas and aspects of ourselves? We open and close loops, but we loop regardless. At the whim of my own narration, this is the horror of the mind.
Mind horror is also comprised of a lot of self deception. I am convincing myself of untrue things constantly. I think we all are, it's called cognitive dissonance. There's an unspoken depth to the implications of it. I'm not sure where the truth is or where I begin. For example, I made this site with no specific goals other than sharing my art, but my subconscious mind is making itself into an avatar I don't always understand. I'm not really sure who I am, or what I am.
I feel as though I've been under the impression that who we are is our interests and pleasures. It's also very easy to identify with dreams that feel more alive than reality. Even when discussing meditation the present is fantastical and illusive, avoiding confronting the reality that being present is an omnipresent experience. In this moment you are reading text of someone's past, or you may find yourself mentally in the past comparing it to your own experiences. This is what it means to be present. Time travel is an average experience.
That brings me back to the question, what am i? When inspecting the world or myself there is endless contradiction. I feel unsure if a truth exists. God is in everything and seemingly nowhere at once. The average advice would probably be to simply not think about this, but is crossing the abyss that dangerous? I think it's funny how often we find ourselves seeking comfort in self denial. That is scarier than the mind.
