what life is like as an SA survivor
You know it happens more often than it doesn't. No one talks about it but once it happens to you it's all around. You feel dirty all the time. I find myself witnessing my behavior rather than living it, and am in confusion of how my brain protects itself while fixating on the familiar. I think about getting a gun everyday to make sure it can never happen to me again.
I sleep all day and stay up all night. I've become so depressed that I quit job hunting all together. There's no one to really talk to. Therapists cant fix your physical symptoms, and doctors can't until they manifest into a problem of their own. I feel like my intestines are knotting and melding into each other. I can't seem to find the remedy to my stress. Then you remember that your abuser is somewhere living his life in pristine condition, surrounded by care. Suicide starts to feel like an option.
I think about avoiding male friendships all together. Are women any better though? Gender guarantees nothing. No one is going to fight for me. I am trying to pretend that this isn't happening. To me, or anyone. There is so many of us that feel like someone else's hate is still living in us, tumorous. All ten of my fingers could fit into my abdomen and lay out my organs in perfectly straight rows. It's the only way for sure I could know that there's no one still there.
There's a lot of shame that comes out of admitting you've been victimized, at least for me. I hear echos of stating my boundaries and being told there was something wrong with them. Maybe I'm contradicting myself, or overreacting. My safety was a threat your happiness. Nothing will make it right. No murder or death. It ruins everything it touches though. People will sell you out for materialistic securities if your abuser has something to offer them. Everyone is so educated and just until they're challenged. I've met other victims that feel the same way. The world seems to be more focused on erasing the existence of sexual assault furthering the cycle of victimization.
They don't matter. They can sleep next to the people that love them unconditionally. They have warm homes waiting for them at the end of the day. I wonder if the people that enable abusers recognize they are living off the spoils of their victims too? I wonder if outsiders are aware of the further victimization of sensationalizing these experiences disguised as support. It's not a helpful thought, but at some level they all know exactly what they're doing.
If justice as we know it is an illusion then please God, help me forget.
