i want "out" but there is no "out"

⋆ ᵈᵉᶜₑₘᵦₑᵣ ₂₃ ₂₀₂₄

I've been feeling something fuzzy at the top of my head lately. I realized today it was psychological disintegration. Wonderland has deemed itself unrecognizable to my call for comfort. I never realized how attached my sense of self was to right and wrong, fantasy and reality, peace and war. I look in the mirror and try to settle with the fact there is no one behind those eyes looking back at me. I matter because I am matter. One note.

I went over the schematics of lighting myself on fire this morning. I have unconventional ideas about what it means for one to change. I don't believe there's a perfect version of yourself to unlock. I don't think self improvement is a reclusive activity alone. We destroy to gather the resources to build. Should I destroy myself before the "self" destroys me? I guess we all call it something.

Hell is a place within me. Heaven is too. I don't crave either anymore.