my apologies
I wen't on an apology tour recently. It's when you go down of list of people you want to apologize to for hurting in the past. My list is surprisingly short because while my emotions are intense, my memory is flawed. It's been a varied experience.
Most of them went well. I didn't desire to be in anyone's life again and made that clear, and I could tell it was mutual. A friend of mine said apologies are for the other person, and I believe this to be half-true. There is a pleasure in being forgiven. The collar drops from your neck and you are finally free to look up. To be forgiven is to be free. To grant someone forgiveness is an act of godly generosity. There is a collective fascination with wrathful gods, but the power a forgiving one has is bottomless in such a way it only knows greater heights.
I felt inspired to be generous with my own forgiveness but I opened the door to a situation I shouldn't. I was falling into an old cycle, where I would convince myself with this specific person that my responses may be irrational. Luckily, before it could continued I received a horrific insight about this persons' recent exploits. I realized what path he was taking and the disgust overcame me. I rebuked my apology. I realized this cycle was inauthentic to my true desires of leaving the life I attached to that person behind. I figured if we are able to give people that pleasure of forgiveness we can give ourselves the joy of closing a loop without the input of another party.
Speaking of parties, I couldn't help but ponder how apologies become a type of social currency when given in the public eye. Usually by social pressure illicit but the hurt party. While I've been there myself, and understand the need to make your pain known, It is bitterly amusing that approach is what renders an apology worthless. It fails to be cathartic, and is now having it's value deemed by the public eye. The invisibility, the raw intimacy, of an apology that has nothing to gain is like a unicorn. You don't plan on seeing one, you're not sure you ever will, then one day it graces upon you. It's pure luck if you do.
I'm glad I did this. It definitely didn't go as I expected. It's been making me reflect on the lack of universal solutions, or the pursuit of resolution. I got lucky that my sins, or the ones I could recall, that I felt truly sorry for are absolved. I kept being told that my actions were understandable, and we ended up having in-depth conversations about our circumstances. While we are not friends, it's nice to have a higher understanding that allows me to forgive myself as well. As for the one that didn't go anywhere, I mean it happens. I've never felt more confident about never seeing that person again, and work to manifest we never cross paths again. The past may not be a thing to confront and conquer, but to accept as a process of expansion and nothing more. Some things found in Hell should be left there.
If you are considering apologizing to someone I say go for it. I think the results are unpredictable, but you'll get something out of it either way. It's better to live life in admiration of your will rather than repressing it. Some would call it dumb to walk in a battlefield with no armory but I think it's sometimes the bravest thing you can do.
