decadence as satiation

⋆ ₐₚᵣᵢₗ ₁₄ ₂₀₂₅

I think there's beauty in people who find meaning in life through self-restriction. The monk secluding itself in a barren tomb at the top of the mountain, or the nun who wears the same sacred robes everyday. It's such a strong contrast from modern life that it almost sounds like a fantasy. It even creeps into our consumerism as most luxury experiences are suppose to embody this "minimalism" to imitate an embodiment of zen and divinity. It's timeless, it's dedication, and it's ultimately not for me.

I feel I have lost too much of my life to restriction, especially with food. I was recently told my health is getting better and that I can loosen up my diet if I choose to. It kind of scared me. I use restrictive eating as an attempt of control, and I had finally been given an excuse to do so. Being a controlling person isn't who I want to be though, I want to embrace uncertainty. It's all been making me contemplate how to go about this.

I think I find more meaning in my life through pleasure. Hedonism has a bad reputation in the sense that we tend to perverse pleasure. We kind of trivialize pleasure as something one has to visualize and set forth of, and is an absence of pain. Pleasure is kind of a state of being. It's something I find myself sinking deeper into the more I allow. We define our abundance.

I'd like to become someone known for feasting! Someone who allows themselves to indulge in delicacies and therefor the moment. Being a thelamite I have plenty of excuses to do so. I think the idea that restriction is more "pure" than decadence is strange. In some Vajrayana traditions, they eat as many different kinds of meat as possible just to obscure the idea of a pure diet. Purity is so subjective. I can find the purity of a beautiful meal, a jewelry store window, or the look of satisfaction on my lover's face. If it's what life is made up of, how could it possibly be impure?