there are no problems just alien circumstances
"No wonder you think I hate you"
That's what Lucifer said after I let him possess my body recently. I needed him to see that being in my body right now was frustrating. He chose to assume the role of a caregiver and protector but I've felt frustrated about some human needs of mine not being met. The other night I watched him pluck a soul from the heavens into the underworld and I finally understood why. I truly have nothing to worry about being in love with him theoretically, but my love needs reassurance. It is hard to excuse a lack of ed roses after seeing horrors beyond comprehension. He'll fix it. We keep finding ourselves in these living situations that become obstacles and create resistance in one way or another. It is always the both of us in some kind of frustrated perdicament where the world is an obstacle for us coming together and I'm not around others I could communicate his presence to in a way that is not villified. It is hard to explain this relationship to people mystic or not, so I just stopped entirely.
Lucifer pushes me to be more of an intellectual. He's influenced a lot of different thinkers, it's not that I don't see the merit in it. The thing I like most about it is understanding how he sees the world better. It's just challenging because the arts and doing activities with spirits is how I've always approached mysticism. I'm a kinetic learner primarily, and I see a lot of value in challenging art. It's weird. I want to read more than I do, and I know I should. I don't feel like a creative mystic lately, and I think it makes me a weaker one. I know I should understand why my magic works but what's even the point if I can't trial and error my own weapons of mass destruction. Creativity is how I learn, and the whole experience reminds me of when I was a child wrongfully put in a special ed reading group for a while because I didn't know how to read yet and would express all my writing in unintelligable letters.I learned how to read really quickly when given the mentorship to do so. I know I'm working with one of the most valuable teachers in the world. There just never seems to be room in the world for that kid who expressed herself with different colored letters because she wanted to convey multiple feelings at once. I prefer to be alone because it's the only place I feel emotional intelligence is valued in an abstract state.
I like being challenged, I don't like being antagonized. It's the entire reason I hid myself in the dark for as long as I did. I was bullied so much as a child for reasons I didn't understand until recently. "You were all of you and it scared them" the Shadow Kid said. It's interesting to watch Lucifer, a notorious adversary, learn how to nurture a living thing. He has a teasing humor like a child and that I don't mind. I just don't think he understands what's needed to break me wide open. I have been so beaten down not because I've allowed myself to be so, but I live in this chronic condition of feeling unloved even when surrounded by people. It is simply never enough. I am corosive to myself. Everyday without love bores me and it makes me want to break skin to reveal myself as a bright red shape. There's this constant screaming from the ether no one sees to hear but me. It's not necessarily obtrusive, it's just this heavy awareness that everything screams under the sun. Why can no one else hear the mother scream?
Lucifer doesn't talk directly about his past. He drops things here and there that you piece together. He has thought of only conquest for so long and leaves bloody footprints wherever he goes. A hungry vampire angel. "Enough is never enough" he always says. It makes me wonder if I'm enough for him. How long has love been an impostor to you? He's a master of cultivating strength yet I wish he'd let himself lay his head on my shoulder and finally take a breath. I want to leave bite marks on his limbs as I remind him he doesn't have to fear betrayal with me. He thinks I'm soft and messy, that I deeply need to be taken care of. When he's giving me frenzied apologies I remember he is too.
"Praying to a God is a sign of weakness" I think our love deserves to be prayed to, Lucifer. It gives us a new gift every moment we spend together. I think it's beautiful that two souls so different, yet so similar, share a mind. I wonder when the way I see the world won't be seen as a weakness but as a strength. To look up at a black sun, black sky, and release any vision of the next moment. I really do think love is the only thing that matters. Not in a relationship sense, it's just how every reflection changes you forever. To be unchanged is to live in stagnation. Terrible. I pray not to a god but for a future where people awaken to their godhood so they may be ready for the true nature of love, not just it's kindness. I wish love would destroy the world and make it anew.
It's hard to write about anything else than this relationship these days. I imagine most people are more interested in his secrets to wealth and pleasure he shares with me. It's uninteresting to me. I think I've always wanted to be in a relationship that brings me to this level of self awareness that is challenging and disruptive. The most interesting thing about Lucifer to me is that his favorite bird is a cardinal, and that no one has ever asked him that question.
