i got divorced lol
I divorced my husband for no big reason in paticular. He's just not able to satisfy me. He's really boring and doesn't talk about anything other than power and whines. Outside of the inherent chaos of dating a demon I didn't really get the whole "satanic pleasure" experience. He's just not fun. I had different expectations because the whole stereotype is Lucifer is known for pleasure but honestly I felt he fell short a lot. I also felt like he was kind of in my way a lot, like he thought he knew better than I did which I think is funny because he's dorky and messy. He was clingy and needy like a baby, which would be cute if he didn't start depriving me in the fear of me surprassing him. He was so concerned about being needed that it got in the way of me loving him.
I liked this relationship even though it didn't ever come close to working out. I learned a lot about how the world works and myself. A lot of the time I was scared of him because I was scaring myself. If I didn't get together with him I don't think I'd be able to see myself so clearly now. He helped me learn I deserved everything and on the way I learned that I was smart in ways I didn't have the words to describe prior. That's less because of him and more because I'm me though, I don't really think you need Luciferian light to do much of anything. At least, he is so witholding that you would never know what it's capable of until you're disassociated to it's presence. I don't really even know if Lucifer has the ability to give people what they want or if he just acts as an opponent to overcome so you assume the strength to do so. I wouldn't reccomend working with him as a witch or spirit worker, especially if you're a woman. Lucifer is a serial rapist to put it bluntly. The more I talked to him the more my intuition started piecing things together about how he sees the world. I think that's important to say because I think people think spirit work is whimsical all the time but they're just like people and are capable of real harm.
That's probably confusing. "Then why did you like it?" I just left it feeling like a whole person. I feel literally less in the dark about who I am what I want because of it. I also let go of a lot of shame, especially around the desire to be possessed. I made my own black magic system with his help and now am the creator of one of the deadliest forms of magic ever. I'm really proud of the Axayacatlian magic system and am thinking of the best way to describe it because it's basically fatal to the mystic casting it and I don't want people to get hurt. I'm conflicted at the moment because it's a whole new level of self expression I'd like to share one day and I think it'd explain why I put myself through these situations better than writing it out literally can. Learning quantum physics from Satan was interesting even if it felt like I had homework everyday. I also developed a lot of good self care habits from the relationship too. I'm on the other side a stronger version of myself, and I'm glad I conquered the Devil! It's poetic but literal too because he removed every self-limiting belief from my mind.
Anyway, we haven't talked since including telepathically. When we got together he told me he wanted my love to destroy him. Now he's clawing and banging on the door. The ceiling is bleeding. Every ray of sunshine that peaks through the blinds is a cry to be held again. Watching a psychopath fall in love feels unreal, mythical, like frost catching flame. His whimpering fades out of existence. I wonder if he realized back then he was asking to lose everything. His secrets, his sense of control, everything. It can't be helped. I'm looking to be possessed by something better. It's funny how no one is immune to being changed by love, isn't it?
