who's the most desolate of them all

I don't really feel beautiful. I feel the least beautiful I ever have. Simultaneously people have never looked at me more. I don't care about the standards my phone raises, I'm more upset about no one gets why I'm beautiful. This isn't an inner beauty monologue, that shit isn't real. No one pays attention to how the people they crown as the "most beautiful" see the world, and how their perspective is so void of it. I just objectify myself for survival at this point. Nothing about how I look brings me pleasure.

Looking in the mirror used to be fun until recently. Putting rhinestones on my eyes and holographic lip gloss. Now I just get dressed to not be naked. I don't even post my face for fun anymore and don't see the point in doing it. If no one is real, why imagine a competition? That's the only reason I could see someone adamently posting themselves if not for their enjoyment. Competition to secure a something, a nothing in particular.

Most of the time, I don't even get ready anymore.I just don't want to. I know it's a self destructive cycle. I don't like how I look, I don't take care of myself, and then I don't like how I look. It just doesn't feel any different from getting ready anymore. When getting ready feels like a job, everything comes out like I was forced to do it. I hate my nails.

I don't care what anyone says, I'm not pretty anymore.