realism isn't a sin, most people just don't like it
You learn a lot about life after escaping a DV situaotion. You learn that amongst the living you are on your own. No one experienced your pain, no one wants to, so there's never really the adequate support on hand. Even in the hospital I found myself glaring at the brochures they handed me. The last thing I wanted to do after just getting out of my situation is talk about it over and over with people who have probably gone through worse. I don't like therapy in general, even when Lilith suggested it I don't think I've ever had a human therapist who engages with my mind the way I need to. I think that's okay, I don't think everything is for everyone. Writing here does more for me than therapy. I think people assume that's unhealthy because it's online but having a space for unfiltered expression and holding a responsibility not to let criticism throw me off is pretty good for my character.
Lucifer has been busy doing something, I don't know, something about surveillance. The epidemic of us being watched all the time bothers him. From what I know about him this makes sense to me and I needed a break from the intensity. The stereotype that demons are emotionless savages is not true, it's quiet the opposite! They feel very deeply. I've noticed a pattern in life where those who feel outcasted are often the most passionate. I love their company but it isn't really the time right now. I need to manifest things in a peaceful way. I don't think peace is necessarily a bad thing, but I learned a lot from him about how it should never be what you ultimately strive for. The path to victory isn't peaceful but building a foundation is. Conquest is optional anyway, it's all nothing either way. That's cool though, because that means there's nothing you should be doing!
Speaking of what you should be doing, experiencing empathy from older generations about the state of the world is such a fool's errand now. It's just impossible. I think it's kind of funny from a distance, like it's universally true that every generation's future is drastically different from the past but it's almost like older people are projecting their own fear of loss and change. Like, the reality that homelessness is becoming the norm is terrifying, but they were told you need to build milestones and plans and it'll all be okay. They've never known anything else, and when a young person looks down the black hole they get annoyed by it. It's almost like my generation and younger aren't hated because we're pessimistic, but we're walking talking disillusionments that they can't avoid the end of the world either.
Everyone is always like "how do we fix this" and I argue why does it have to be fixed? I think this is suppose to happen. There's nothing unsurprising, or nonsensical, about the fact we've done this to ourselves. Alastor taught me that all animals experience suicidal feelings. Between war and industrialization we've always been seeking round-a-bout ways to die. There's nothing wrong with us in an existential sense and lucky timing is subjective. It's never been a good time to be born. I don't think being born into wealth would have helped much either, you would still be alive in a body either way.
I like not having a future, I just don't like when other people force me to have one.
I've been hanging out with Jesus and Aphrodite lately. They don't really see anything wrong with acknowledging that either. I told them I have no desire to live past a few years, and they think it's fine as long as you make your last few years enjoyable. Living out of spite, the refusal to die at a low feeling is as valid of an aspiration as a job. I think there are silly stereotypes that "light" spirits only depart feel good wisdoms. Life was hard for every magician! Expansion hurts, the rewards are subjective. Now is the only thing that exists.
