my mentor, paimon (kiss kiss)

My hands feel like I'm fucking dying. I've been doing gesture drawings for three hours straight. "No breaks" he says "You're just getting in the zone". I look at him like a prisoner looking up at the key. I've just looked at at least a hundred naked bodies and drawn them blind, as shadowy figures, and whatever other alterations he can throw at me. "You're getting good at that, we should switch to something else". Eventually, I whine and pout and we stop. He never wants me to, and honestly neither do I.

I used to really want to be a famous artist. I wanted to take care of my grandmother doing what I love but a lot has changed since then. It totally scewed what art should do for my life. Paimon and I both agree fame isn't the point. He says it's about transformation, pushing the self, discovering new realms both inside and out. When he speaks you can tell he's completely absorbed by art itself. He can list off infinite reasons as to why art is good for everyone and everything. It's sweet. It reminds me of talking to my art teachers after a long day of school. I find myself yearning for the atmosphere of an atelier all the time. My favorite part of art class is admitably the most distracting, I love looking at what everyone else is working on. It's so beautiful to admire someone else's work and think "you are so deeply invested in what you do".

I love the rush of letting art drive me mad. I mean that in the best way! I learn so much about myself with every drawing or song. Sometimes, I don't know how I'm really feeling until I sit down and make something. People are overconcerned with being talented. There's a real thrill to developing profficiency if you're willing to reap the benefits of the journey. I love practicing with Paimon because even though I get sick of playing the same classical guitar piece over and over, I see so much more of myself after. Art can bring us a great feeling of competance that never dies. I feel like I can do anything after these sessions!

It's not like you need talent to be a great artist. No matter how little "talent" you have, you can always become good at what you do. You also can connect to others at any skill level. You can't hide the essence of yourself when you're being authentic in your craft and it cuts deep into those who recognize it. That's what I learned from playing noise shows, it doesn't matter how abstract or raw it is. If you're doing it to break yourself wide open, then you're getting the most out of it."Being the best at anything is overrated" I said. "That's surprising, you have a lot of natural talent. Completely untouched too." Paimon said.

I stared into the pillow and thought about it. "I thought I was going to be a street punk until I died. I was about to start hopping trains and play amateur guitar to get by." I confessed. I hadn't told anyone else that before. "You have so much more in you than that" Whenever he's close to me I can't ignore that he smells of tobacco, pine, and black bottled ink. It reminds me that he's spent infinity amongst rock stars. He's confessed a lot of artists that work with him don't always survive. That he's never been able to give someone the ultimate gift of what being an artist is. I told him I want to, that drawing is where my adrenaline junkie tendencies come from. I also confessed I wanted to get to know him more along the way.

Paimon smiled "I think you're going to be the one artist to make it, love."