god (i have a death wish, and you love it)
don't you dare try to save me. i'm an adult with my own plethora of experience and philosophy. i'm entitled to my autonomy and the way I interpret life. i'm not asking for your guidance and never have. i'm a woman, not a child.
"Hell is here". A rainbow cat demon told me that at a punk show. "Our goal is to escape the cycle". She was warning me of samsara, which I didn't know about at the time. The thing is, I do think this is hell but I don't think there's any way out.
I believe God is a system made up of systems, that don't serve us specifically. Everything will continue on without us, until it doesn't. Everything dies, and one day this realm will cease to be without our intervention. All of our successes and mistakes will be dust. By that point, our souls will be continuing on a journey we don't have the foresight to comprehend. This is what I talk about when I mention God in the absence of fear. God is a machine. God is the poison in your fast food and the rain that waters your flowers. God is the cure and the disease. God pushes you toward the edge of a sky scraper just to see if you'll really do it. To God, your screaming and laughter sound exactly the same.
The people's God, the popular god, symbolizes impossible preservation. People usually hate to acknowledge it, but most people who try to act in "God's image" are actually in the pursuit of power and control. The appeal of law of attraction, a sensationalized version of quantum physics, fails to acknowledge how truly small our desires are. It's true, you and your desires are just particles. Your reality and mind are harmonized for better or worse. The collective reality and our reality range from tiny to tiniest. It's easy to manifest when you realize you and everything are the same, nothing.
Let it be known when someone wants to strike the fear of God into you, they will push to break you with "loving" intention. The fear lingers. I grew up in catholic schools, my great grandmother took me to church, and my grandmother stood with Christ until the bitter end. My mother practices hoodoo and my father is an atheist, so it's not like I was fully assumed to follow a specific religious path. My schools wrote me off as a "devil's advocate" for asking too many questions. They never did anything to necessarily overstep, in retrospect out of the fear of overstepping parental boundaries. My grandmother, despite my adoration for her, had an oppressive and suffocating faith that she inflicted on everyone.
She loved telling people they were going to hell, but they all do. There's nothing more obnoxious than being prayed at. I don't take it personally, because I don't believe the sincerity. How can you accept and love your fellow man if they must first be broken into particles and sorted into good and bad? I will never be worthy of your obnoxious eternal light because of my wretched, bleeding heart. It beats for broken glass only. I am rotten, vicious, and filled with desire. That's the beauty of a soul and I wouldn't have it any other way.
