everything i know about power
I put a curse on someone today and now I want to take it back. I went against wisdom I received about power. That it was there for anyone to reach low enough to get it. I should have sat with myself prior; I don't think it matched my true will. I felt violated and disrespected, and I wanted to embody safety again. I think that's what our egos really want—to feel safe. If I was more honest with myself: I just wanted this person out of my life, and I didn't need to invoke God to do so.
Power will never fix my doubt. I'm chasing it to cover up my follies in self-protection. I've always seen power more coveted than it is. In my defense, it lies at the center of the dinner table. We are raised to pursue power. Power over the nature of others and things. It's better to hold it loosely, and this experience has reaffirmed that.
We are a lot more powerful than we think as humans. One of the most dangerous things a man can do is believe they are too small to cause damage, so they shatter everything in its path. We live in a way where we are constantly dismissed of our inner power. I'm not sure if, in a mystical sense, some people are stronger than others. I don't know how much sincere power is a birthright. I'm suspicious of practitioners that declare mastery. Something like that would become obvious over time to others.
There is power in numbers, and I used to stress about them so. Sometimes being alone is the right thing to do. There are so many people, and honestly, I can afford to miss out on a few. There is power in numbers, and that's easy to stress. There are millions, there are threes, and more often than not there is one. Ones are tricky if you believe they're better than zero. Neither is better or worse, just different.
My true will wants me to reclaim power over my inner world. My mental health is good in the conventional sense. I just noticed this pattern while I was doing tarot that I'm not necessarily asking the right questions. I had the silent treatment used on me a lot as a kid, and I will spiral into my own worst-case scenarios. Tarot is only a reflection of myself, so it makes a vicious cycle—the consequence of chasing the power of certainty.
I am certain I don't want power anymore. I think there will always be times in life where I'm handed power in some way, but I'd ideally hold it loosely. I think karma is more of an investment overtime than the conventional action-response. I don't think I'm acting in a way that honors the lessons of my south node or the calling of my north. I messed up today. All I can do now is pick up my mess and maintain a sense of poise.
