what exactly do you want
I went to a late brunch with my aunt. I had tri-color pasta and an espresso martini. I don't remember what led to her saying it, but she told me that I should get super specific about what I ask God for.
I recently got something that I thought I really wanted. The toy didn't match the commercials. I wanted someone in my life again, and when I got it, I realized I didn’t. Nothing offensive happened; it was honestly too light hearted if anything. I realized I wasn't attracted to them physically anymore either. We brought up porn to an annoying degree, and some jokes about how I dressed made me have some kind of clarity on how I'm seen in this dynamic. I tried to bring up I didn't like that but it didn't seem to land like it usually does. I felt like I was growing in a different direction to them too. I tend to change a lot, in an upward direction from my perspective. I just didn't really see any point in being friends. My current friend circles leave me plenty satisfied without the emotional compromise, and I'm thankful to be in that position. It's funny to look back at old entries where I'm so overtaken by the fantasy now. I'm cute.
I want someone who is direct and clear and makes me feel safe to be the same. I want someone who would be willing to sleep on the floor for me if it came to that. I'm not interested in codependency. I need someone with their own ambitions. You'll never be able to merge with me, not any time soon. I'm willing to be single for a majority of my youth if I really can't find what I am looking for. I don’t think getting stuck with someone who can’t keep up with me is worth it.
I want to move out without roommates, and at this rate, I probably will. No specific reasons why, just a feeling. I actually would prefer to live with people, but I’m tired of living with people because it's convenient. I'd rather live with people I knew I'd want to spend my life with. Nothing personal, it just takes me an hour to get ready, and my sexual escapades are a little higher on my priorities. Something close to a safe subway station, well-lit corners, and a variety of places to eat. A window that lets the sunlight flood the bedroom. In the living room, a painting where a TV would usually be. Then in the bathroom, a full-sized bathtub.
I want to, and I'm going to, enter my peak health. I've got health issues I’ve been procrastinating on because I don’t really understand how to navigate the American medical system yet. I’m going to go back to seeing my healer too. Back to yoga. I have the time, so I don’t see why not.
I'm going to get all of these things, pretty quickly too. There will always be a new goal, a new desire. I don't see the point in pretending it won’t happen. Just wanted to put it somewhere I can look back at.
