fear
I feel Your essence in each leaf and stone, In every breath of wind and whisper of water. You are the silence in the mountains, the dance of the ocean, And the fire within my own soul.
I've been going out a lot lately. Catching up with friends and family, the reflectors of my tried and true and my unknown. I have been blessed with time where my survival is certain. I'm free to pulsate and wilt. I'm wonderfully mortal, all the stars are relative to I. Everything is symmetrical in the way it fluxes and refluxes into itself. I've Even in those moments of desperation, where the self becomes out of focus, it plays into a perfect process. When was the last time I recognized myself rightfully as a sensation in a world of sensory?
Getting to know people's realities is fascinating. Most people are more honest than they realized Even when they lie, the choice of absence of truth is telling. I've always had this tendency to remind some people of their fears without consciously doing so. It's a hard thing to describe without examples, but generally with strangers subversive thinking is enough to strike fear into someone. It's funny because I do, or used to, have a big problem with holding onto people for too long. A creature conjured by the silenced parts of your mind that overstays its welcome.
I went to a hacker space after going downtown today. I've been looking for a space for something I'm working on, unfortunately it wasn't a fit. Not because of a lack of assets or interest. It's just that no one talked to me. I felt left out when I wasn't offered a tour as a newcomer, and realized as someone who has grown into themselves socially my tolerance for awkward behavior is dwindling. Looking back I think my own shyness, my hesitation, was selfish of me to commit to. It's the root of all generosity. Taking up more space as yourself brings so much more peace. The worst that happens is that time and time again you scare someone. I can't speak for them, but I'm already over it. I've casted banishment with my words alone, why do I let anything attempt to fear me?
I've been thinking about my rituals. The note I wrote was to rid my life of fear. I can't remember what else I prayed for, because they've already crumbled away. The sun has been whispering over my shoulder. Recently someone told me Van Gogh cut his ear off because the sun told him to. I believe it. I believe people who were told by the sun to blind themselves too. When I was practicing liber resh the sun told me things too. It showed me we where all at whim to it's cycles as equals. I wonder what would happen if I looked into the sun. Would I go blind from trying to harness more light that I can handle? Who am I to declare my limit without letting life have it's way with me?
