being considerate is overrated
I deleted a diary entry. I try not to do that, because it serves the unknown's narrative more than myself. It was some kind of perceived damage control about over explaining my intentions because something happening in my life had me annoyed. Sometimes I catch myself being a little too considerate of people's feelings because I've been taught to. It's really easy to keep abusing someone, especially a child, if you teach them to always be considerate of their adversaries. I think that dynamic isn't just between people, I think we are taught to understand our oppression in ways that rationalize it.
I've always been hesitant in admitting it, but I'm bored of sympathizing with everyone. I think in that scenario people that didn't know or care about me were putting a lot of societal pressure on to me. That's the thing about sympathy, it's like you permit a behavior into your life. I'm not talking about tabloid tales and faceless tragedies we treat as small talk. It's more like, some people are so scared they feel venomous. Their presence triggers an immune response in me. I've always just played along with the scared one's narrative, or counter that narrative, to get out the best I can. Even if I don't really care about the people involved. My friend told me that's called "fawning". The result is always the same though, you just end up minimizing yourself so the coward can stretch it's limbs. As if it won't find something else to be afraid of.
The truth is I don't need to oversimplify what I do. Everything I write is for me alone. No matter what I write, there's always the chance a reader will fit it into their own tight narrative. I especially don't need to explain to people who don't get any kind of creative expression. I struggle to forgive myself for shrinking that small in my own space, as if I owe someone something.
It's funny , the more I think about it they don't really stretch when they get the chance. They slither and ponder the fantasy of being the thing their afraid of. You can't give cowards anything. They don't even know how to be thankful. They're tripping on fear.
