my party days are over

⋆ 𝒻ₑᵦᵣᵤₐᵣᵧ ₅ ₂₀₂₅

I got diagnosed with two chronic illnesses. I'm not too devistated, they both actually made a lot of sense. My whole world is changing pretty quickly. There are so many foods I'm not supposed to eat and keeping a healthy lifestyle has to become a focal point of my life. I've been sober for actually quiet some time before my diagnosis, I just haven't said anything about it here. It feels weird because I feel as if I'm being called to occupy heaven and I worry about heaven being a boring place.

I had an okay run. I like partying in the sense that, I like being overstimulated for the sake of it. I used to make myself scared all the time. Something feels deadly about boredom. Even though that's not really true. Music is the silence in between then notes. I don't really particularly identify with a specific scene enough to see it as a life commitment. The friends I've made along the way have similar sentiment: we're just artists. I think subcultures are flawed probably because that's the nature of culture in itself, what lies in the light will blind you.

The last time I was in a mosh pit I got a crazy anxiety attack. I can't deal with so many people touching me at once. I prefer to watch them from afar. I think punk men look sexy shoving each other to the ground. I used to spend a lot of money on tickets to all kinds of shows. I just really love the energy of nightlife, not so much what the lifestyle brings. It's mostly because, well, a lot of people die. Everyone has the right to do what they want with their life including throw it away. I just feel if I was to burn bright instead of fade away, I'd want to do it on my own terms. Not just out of chasing other's idea of happiness.

I really want to find my raw essence outside of clubs and cliques. I want to make things that exist out of the binary and express myself in ways hashtags can not capture. To be honest, my hardcore party days were kind of boring. They made me realize chaos and order are pretty much the same thing. Moshing and the pattern of particles aren't that different from each other.