life after giving up on my dreams
Life doesn't work out the way you hope it does and sometimes, you change too much before it does. I used to want to be an audiovisual artist, performer of some kind. It just didn't work out for me, I couldn't make the connections needed and it felt more like a burden than an aspiration. I've been trying to come to terms with that for a while now. I'm never going to be that person.
I don't really know what I'm going to do now. I'd ideally like something that uses my skillsets and doesn't feel completely abysmal, but it is what it will be. I really don't want a nine to five because between my health and other situations in my life I don't think I can handle it. The thought of getting a normal job again makes me want to kill myself. It just never goes well for me, I don't understand why. It's not the band-aid solution everyone thinks it is. Everyone's life is different and the economic system only supports a very specific list of qualifications.
I don't know what I'm going to do with myself so I just do nothing at all. I'm tired of running uphill. I'd name the hill, but I'm sick of small talk about fascism. Nothing about the life I desired to have excites me enough to keep trying to have it. What is the point of chasing a legacy when no one will be around to see it? No one will know humanity ever existed and then this realm fades to black. If carrying the illusion of otherwise is the only thing keeping me on a specific path what's the point.
It's been hard for me because I've always had to be ambitious because I've always been on my own. There's nothing there now. There was just too many falsehoods making up a "somebody". Not even my body belongs to me. I'm not the voice in my head, I'm the one listening. The blackening of my heart is a surprise consequence of black magic that I will continue to act surprised about for dramatic effect. Despite the theatrics it is plenty mundane.
I'm glad my dreams are gone. I got sick of comparing myself to them. Before they went they told me I'd be lost without them. They're kind of right. A new something might take their place though. If I'm lucky nothing at all will take its place. Lately I noticed I have less conscious thoughts. Like, I have less inner dialogue other than abstract words and observations. I also sit somewhere different in my head. I'm placed a little further back in my mind instead of upfront.
I don't sound happier because I'm not. Life isn't about becoming happy. You've already been happy and you were probably happier before people started telling you how to be happy. I believe there is no place to be other than death and it is already sprinting towards you. Why was I ever in a rush to be anywhere but here when that's the case? Your guess is as good as mine. Life can just be about an experience, a dream before you have to wake up.
