i'm never beating the satanist allegations
On the train I was thinking about how much of a loser I am. How the constant up and down of life is too much for me to handle. How my fear of being homeless is feeling more real as the days go by. How my actions have me stuck in this shitty place and how no one is coming to save me nor do I have the means to save myself. I would see other people with their families and wish I had the chance to have one too. I felt like the contrast of a designer outfit walking by and a dismembered homeless woman begging was too much contrast for me to comprehend. The only thing I could understand was the gun back at the house.
I start piecing together the many forms the illusion comes in: faith, denial, hope, so on. It was getting heavy so I tried to do something to get my mind off of it. I pull out my H.P. Lovecraft book and intend just to read whatever chapter to get my mind off things. I figure the self-pity will pass as always. There's nothing I can do at this point. Then this guy comes on the train and he announces to us that he's "the biggest sinner". He starts going on about how much of a bad guy he is and how everyone should get a bible. Then he starts reading all these passages about wealth and possessions. Keeps telling us how he's the biggest sinner and everyone should let jesus christ in their hearts because of it.
I'm not usually this kind of person - but I just snapped. I yelled at this guy to shut the fuck and up and how this brings no one else comfort but himself. I was so sick of this selfish man's lack of self awareness that clearly plagues him to the point he feels he's entitled to interject spirits into other people's lives. He looked down on me and shook his head. "Poor thing" he says with his eyes. A couple of riders laugh because ghetto bitches love a fight, like how ants love crumbs.
To my surprise, that was the highlight of my day. I felt so much better. I'm always the kind of person that does what they feel like they're suppose to instead of what they want. People enable it by saying I have a strong sense of responsibility, but they're just enabling the illusion of certainty. Nothing happened from that. My life didn't change and neither that man. I did it because I did. I'm sick of having to give a reason as if there was anything else other than what is.
