i want to be pure

⋆ ₛₑₚₜₑᵣₘᵦₑᵣ ₁₇ ₂₀₂₄

I find myself pulled into too many directions when in truth I want to face my life with a thick purity that snuffs out pain. I feel like I keep trapping myself in my life, my own world. Everything I face with a sticky purity. Milky white regret and peach colored nymphomaniacs. My actions makes me sick.

The more I grow into myself the more alone I feel. I don't want to be everyone's friend and I don't want to act like it. Sometimes I don't want to talk about much of anything. I want to draw and sometimes I really have to or I won't calm down. My hands being still is so uncomfortable for me. Today I want to laser them off.

I've made my life into an eternal talent show to make up for the space I feel I wrongfully stole. I know exactly how I ended up thinking like that. Now I'm conflicted between it all meaning both nothing and everything.

I'm painting a cat girl and it looks like how it feels to have anemia. It feels like I'm eating away at myself. It feels like rotting from the inside out. I really like letting graphite be unpredictable. It's a really fun method of torture for someone so used to the undo button. I want less control lately. I want to let go of everything.

A friend sent me this today. It made me smile. Her voice is beautiful. It's a wonderful day.