love love love, what is it good for?

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I've had flings here and there. They don't go any deeper than initial attraction. When I'm single, I'm single. I can indulge in whatever dynamics I want. I can go wherever I want and spend my money how I want. I want to change my whole life philosophy for a few days to see if I like it; there's no one I need to tell it to. If I want to give up and blow out the flame of my candle, I just might. It's not a threat, it's a testament to the depth of my freedom. There's no one else I have to live for except myself.

I hate when people roll their eyes at someone who admits they feel that way. In my experience, it's always someone who lives like a pinball in their dating life. They're quick to launch, bang around a few times, and quick to fall. Repeat. That chase for the new thing, the new passion has always been really boring to me. The last time I had a crush, he had a girlfriend. Nothing happened. He actually made me really anxious, and he still does when I think about him. People whose heart and brain aren't in sync are dangerous for someone like me, who wants something long term. Sometimes I miss him, maybe because I don't easily become attracted to people. Sometimes, I'm really glad he's gone. Sometimes it's better to replace "unresolved feelings" with the assumption that they never liked you. Am I lying to myself? Maybe. It's my blade, and I'll hurt myself as I please. Especially when the alternative is waiting for someone who suffers from a wandering eye.

I'd like to have something with someone. Something that makes everyday life feel a little deeper than the average. I think the way passion changes over time is exciting! Watching someone closer than anyone else in the world gets to. Sharing your perspectives on the passage of time. A collaborative narration. I never really get bored. I don't think it's hard to date someone for a long time. I'm someone who doesn't get easily distracted in that department, though. My biggest flaw lately seems to be balancing it all. I don't really have the time (or money) to pursue dating, nor do I really want to. Do I really want to trade my headphones and hot food for another lackluster evening? Fun.

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