my sinister motives
I've been writing here pretty consistently. My real life journal is finding purpose as a common place book, which it might be better off as. I always really liked the idea of keeping a diary. One of my favorite movies as a kid was Barbie Diaries, a movie where a Barbie who struggles to find her stride in high school begins writing in a mysterious diary that seems to make her wishes come true. I love reading diaries and journals of people who have passed. I went through my grandma's agenda after she died. It made me sad to see her life become consumed by doctor's appointments more and more as you turned the pages. That's the intrigue though, even if it's not always pleasant. It's an archive. It's a soul.
When I told people I was starting a diary online I got mixed reactions. I think the way social media and the internet is now people are putting their most idealized self forward. People were worried about the "risk" of me being so emotionally intimate online. Sometimes I get nervous about it still. I think it shows when I write. I can also kind of tell when I'm in the zone and not thinking about the fact someone else will read this. Other times I can see me try too hard to recreate that flow by forcing imagery that doesn't come naturally. That's something anyone can assume, but only I can tell the real difference.
Writing in an online diary is also tricky because people are commonly black and white thinkers. I think the curation of elaborate digital personas is something people don't question because it usually makes individuals easier for people to digest. Everyone is good, or bad, or their assigned aesthetic, or from ethereal realms beyond our comprehension. It's easy to get lost in but everybody bleeds. It's the dawn of AI and the current digital landscape is neither constructive, empathetic, or realistic to human well being. It'll be scary to see an internet that is void of queer bodies, poor people, spiritual experiences, and ugly faces then watch that impact the material world more than it already does. Between the black and white I'd like to be the red in between. I'm not interested in boxing myself in (literally, if we're talking Instagram's photo ratio) or making my life harder than it has to be by appeasing anyone else.
I like having these entries. I think they work better than a regular diary. I prefer typing over writing when it comes to personal thoughts. I'm a really fast typist, and even though I write in script my hand can't seem to catch up with my mind. I also enjoy how easy it is to read these back. Even when there's typos and mistakes. There are patterns in my thoughts. I've noticed a lot of self destructive imagery and fantasies of death in my writing. I can't just can't help it - I get turned on by adrenaline. The rush of sitting in a speeding car or watching a fist fight break out. I like to fantasize, what can I say? It's not like it's limited to just myself. If you're interested in becoming my voodoo doll e-mail me. You know you want to.
Half-jokes aside, I'm falling in love with myself slowly but surely. I still get nervous. I'm also still trying to figure out how to talk about real events and people that happen in my life with as little damage as possible. It's a hard task because I'll never really know who's reading. I like to think both everyone and no one at the same time. It's probably better not to think too much about it at all. I'd like to try something new, like go to the shooting range and learn how to load a gun. I never trusted myself with a gun before, but I think I'm ready now.
Bang! Bang!
