drawing my future self in great detail
I'm in a new chapter of my life and I've been thinking of what I should do with myself. It's a really bitter freedom I've been granted. I love writing here because it keeps me accountable for how I feel. It also has been creating a lot of odd synchronicities in my life. I keep my feelings inside a lot and putting them out there let's them evolve into something new. I wonder if my life has felt stagnant because I've never had this kind of outlet right now. I'm hoping that by writing out some goals I have they can come into fruition easier.
I'm trying to get a job that's more social. I like retail because you get paid to people watch all day. Retail customers are a lot like the peacocks strolling the sidewalks in the Bronx Zoo in the way they are fascinating to watch, and feel like they don't belong where they are even though they clearly do. I'm hoping to get a job at a punk shop because I won't have to change my wardrobe. The last clothing store I worked at was Hot Topic and they only hired me because they liked my outfit. So, I'm hoping that logic will apply to other stores too. Punk stores in NYC don't ever seem to be hiring, but there's a couple on my mind I think I have a chance with.
I also want to understand my emotional landscape. I've noticed a pattern of staying in relationships and situations where I don't feel like my perspective is being respected, and because I don't have the space to say anything I end up disintegrating my boundaries. I don't like that I addressed someone in an older entry while I was drunk. It's really funny that I can update a website while drunk, but it's also really concerning. I don't want to be so backed up that I shit all over my reputation. I'm not interested in asserting power over someone either. Something tells me if I learn to I stand up for myself, the more tame the dragon becomes.
I'm going to get back into business again. I was feeling hesitant because of everything with my grandmother, and having a history of failed ventures. I think I know enough now to do it right this time. I've been reading about subversive economic ideas because I want to make a business model that is true to my personal values regarding capitalism. I'm not an anti-money person, I'm anti-disconnection. I think model most modern businesses use lack foresight. I want to discuss that more when it materializes, but for now keep an out for a re-release of one of my zines coming up.
I've already started practicing more guitar. I've gotten pretty good at playing intuitively but I lack the discipline to learn more chords. I'm also just really cocky about my rhythm. I know you're suppose to play with a metronome but I think it's a lot easier not too if you get the shape of the strum right. The implications a strum has to the intentions of a song. I should still get out of my comfort zone though, I really want to learn more Kittie songs.
Thank you for the e-mails and guestbook signatures. I read them all. I could mind to express more gratitude when I can, and I'm thankful for everyone who reaches out to tell me that they enjoy reading these. It motivates me to make this website into something special. I know I express problems with being satisfied, and I realize how ungrateful that can come off. I have to show up to my life in new ways to dismiss that feeling. I have confidence in change being on the horizon. Thank you again!
