living ii love
I've been in love lately. No dates or anything. Just enjoying different forms of intimacy with friends and acquaintances. I've been feeling really loved when splitting food with my friends. I also feel loved when a girl I'll never see again fixes my hair in the bathroom. There's a deep affection in those tiny moments. It's been inspiring me to write about love.
I've been really outgoing lately and it made me realize I'm lucky to have a lot of great friends. There were times where I felt so lonely I thought it was going to kill me. Loneliness makes the walls start closing in. I pray for people going through isolation right now, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I used to find those memes about girls using men for money funny until I realized they weren't joking. I feel stupid admitting it, but I genuinely thought everyone was just joking about the phenomenon of weirdo men spending money on you for no reason. I don't think it's flattering when people approach me with their money. I feel like I'm being solicited. It's also never about you, it's to prove something to themselves. I always got the impression that they once felt really small, and they want to buy the attention of a woman they still don't feel good enough for to feel better about themselves. It's not that a compliment anymore when you see it that way.
I like getting gifts. It's funny that there's a narrative that you should date rich guys, but my experience with rich guys is that they give the shittiest gifts. I like it when gifts are thoughtful, I love handmade things too. I keep my friends' CDs and zines. My last boyfriend's mom bought me presents and they never looked like me. He had the money to do whatever, and I did tell him what I liked. I genuinely think he never thought that deeply about it. I don't think more money necessarily means they're better at that love language. The best gift I've gotten recently was a lighter with a friend's drawing on it. I've used it so much that the drawing is wearing off.
I think it's dangerous to tell young women to pursue rich men, especially rich older men. I don't really have strong feelings about age gap relationships between adults, until money comes into play. We might only get one chance at the human experience why devote it to male approval. Sounds really fucking boring. I also think it's funny that we're not allowed to say we don't care about money when finding a partner because it comes off as seeking male approval. It's so backwards.
I want to become an omniscent lover. A master of the different ways we can express and shower each other with love. We need to go on more adventures. Make more art. Love is the most revolutionary thing in the way it collapses time and peeks into infinity. It frees us from the restrictions we impose on ourselves when we're alone, and changes us forever. I can't blame anyone for getting distracted though. I get distracted all the time. I like to think a slow calm love in all of its forms can keep me tethered.
There's an abundance of good memories to be made. I've been thinking of switching my mindset from future-oriented to that of someone who weaves good memories in the moment. I'm in a financial hell since my grandmother passed, between our house foreclosing and the funeral I'm screwed. I don't think I'm going to live to thirty. Sometimes it's scarier to imagine that I will. There's a big chance I will be poor and struggling my whole life. My hope is artificial. I can't control much, let alone if I even live to see tomorrow. I can live in this moment though, and there's opportunity to make it one worth remembering. It'd be nice to remember more love when the past feels like too much.
I didn't think writing this would make me cry. It's difficult for me to put those feelings into words because I've been trying really hard to not inconvenience people with my problems for a long time. In between being a caregiver and ex-friendships I felt like I was being held hostage by my feelings. I've always had the best intentions when expressing myself to others, but it's miserable when others shut you down. It ends up making a problem bigger than it is. I don't even think people notice when they're shutting you down because it's so normalized to put your feelings on the shelf. It's not fair to sensitive people like me who need to openly talk about their feelings to keep moving on with their life. Emotions don't have to be threatening.
It's funny because right now I'm on the verge of tears thinking about how my life is going, but I know after this deep cry it'll all melt away. I haven't cried in so long so it's going to be a really good one. I'm really excited to let go of all of those old people and situations, and cherish my favorite memories like becoming best friends with my grandmother. I'm so lucky to have had that, and I should use it as a reference for the friendships I should look for. I want to pursue friendships and communities that can see the value in someone that thinks with their heart.
