halloween

⋆ ₙₒᵥₑₘᵦₑᵣ ₁ ₂₀₂₄

This Halloween I really wanted to do tarot readings for people. I've been reading for a decade now, and I've never done street readings. Halloween felt like the perfect chance. I dressed in my usual clothes and clown makeup, just added some fake studs. I also wore a choker I made from a bike chain a while back. It's funny, I thought today my outfit wouldn't stand out that much, but I still seemed to scare some people. People being scared of me is so funny, I couldn't be sweeter.

I decided to do readings downtown. I tried to vlog what I was doing, but it's really hard to record yourself, especially without a tripod. I brought a blanket and sat on the sidewalk. The first reading I did was for a punk guy who helped me find a spot. He asked about a girl, and I gave him good news, and he seemed happy about that. The second reading was for this girl who was just trying to get into her building. She ended up being interested, and she asked if her current relationship was going to last. I told her the more she learns about this person, the more she'll realize she can do better. She gave a nervous laugh and seemed to agree. That must have struck a chord.

Getting people to come around for a free reading was the hardest thing. I felt like everyone walking by had a huge stick up their ass. I like street vending because I like taking up space. People wrestle to ignore you. Eventually, I kind of start "peaking" and roast people or scream at the top of my lungs. I like when tourists clutch their bags and speed-walk away. Worry less about what I'll do to you, worry about dying from boredom. It's all in good fun in my eyes. Eventually, I'll be back up on my feet, and the roles will switch with me and another vendor. Someone who genuinely wants to provide goods and services, not create chaos out of pure jest.

I did readings for a group of kids. One of them asked how the military will go for them, and I told them that the reformation will do more for him emotionally than physically. He got really excited about that. The two girls didn't ask specific questions but seemed to enjoy their readings too. I was having a lot of fun. I gave some more punk people readings. The bone kid from the other day was back, and he asked for one. The cards said it was okay for him that he feels hazy and confused, there are just phases of life like that, let your feelings guide you. He seemed really surprised how spot-on that was. I have a good feeling about that kid.

This person with a traditional face tattoo came up to me. I don't think they asked a specific question either. We ended up talking on the sidewalk for a while before a raver clown girl and her friend came by. I did readings for both of them, and the clown girl stuck around to talk to us. We all started calling out people walking by. This man wearing a Cookie Monster T-shirt and sunglasses was driving by on an electric scooter. When I told him the readings were free, he made a U-turn right away. No specific question. I don't remember what I specifically said either, something about how he should take a new approach to engaging in his life emotionally. He was surprised at how fast it was. I ended up talking to him about the nature of God. I brought up that it was so confusing as to why people didn't want a free reading. He said, "That's the thing. People are scared to look at themselves. In reality, it's a lot easier than we think." He gave me the rest of his joint and hung around my little setup. I stayed until Face Tattoo asked if I wanted to go to the crystal shop with them. Raver Clown and Cookie Monster were parting ways with us, and I said goodbye.

I don't remember how the conversation was brought up, but I started talking about this experience I've been having with my subconscious. "I do this thing where my subconscious will interact with my computer without knowing. I'll type 'ok' into my YouTube search bar when I'm in an anxiety spiral, and I just realized that it's me trying to tell myself I'm okay," I slurred my words. "There's this red door on a black chapel in my mind's eye. Behind it is the thing that scares me most, but I never feel ready to open it." Once I put it into words, I knew tonight was the night that door would open. I window shopped with them for a bit, I thought the Hindu charms were cool. I couldn't get the door out of my mind.

I walked with them to the parade, but once we arrived, I realized I didn't want to be there, so I faded into the crowd and went back the way I came. It's okay, we both agreed prior that if we meet again we will, and if we don't, we don't. We didn't want to force anything. I sat at a nearby park and drew in my journal. Every time I looked up, I saw a vampire or goblin pass by. It's nice to see everyone in the city having fun for once, it's been a hard year for everyone. It's nice when you can tell on someone's face that tonight has been the best day they've had in a while. Everybody's trying.

I walked back to where I was doing readings before. Hung around for a bit. I had a really good birria taco, but I forgot to order the consome. It's okay, though, because it was the best taco I had in a while! I've been craving a good taco for the last few days, so this was huge for me. I also ate a cheese pizza, which wasn't bad, but it had too much to live up to. Someone I knew wearing a Pikachu onesie gave me some shrooms. I journaled some more before making my way home.

I couldn't stop thinking about the door on the train. I know I had it in me to open the door at any time, and I kept trying to imagine what could be behind that door. I thought about it the whole train ride. When I was walking to my house, the sidewalk turned into a floating staircase. At the top, that big red door. Behind that door is something I've been hiding from myself for a long time. Was it a trauma I've repressed? A deep evil deep inside? I pulled the key from inside me and opened the door. Walking through the dark clouds on the other side, wondering what lived on the other side that would change me forever. What I found discredited everything I've been told. It made me realize the ways I was destroying myself. My tendency to overcomplicate my life. My true self that hides behind the shame.

I went through the door and found my deepest truth, that there wasn't anything wrong with me. I was and always have been a person worthy of forgiveness. No childhood secret, no perverted complex. My biggest fear was that I was always deserving of love, I've just been withholding it from myself. Now I live on the other side of the door.