and what if i live a loveless life?
I spent a lot time as a kid alone. I got bullied a lot and didn't have any offline friends. I was just a little too strange for the other kids. I spent a lot of time on the computer and my parents introduced me to more alternative media at an early age, so I rarely found common interests with my peers. I internalized that and continued to outcast myself as I grew up. It's not that bad. I love the wastelands.
There's this anxiety it's left me with though. This worry that I am too odd for love. I've dated. I've been in relationships. I've attracted attention. None of this is what I'd define as love. I don't think I've ever been in a relationship where I didn't have to reject myself. I think my eccentricities tend to lose their charm in romantic relationships. I get the impression they can come off as threatening to one's idea of a stable relationship. I don't really get it looking back. I wonder why some people can't see between my contradictions is still my true self. I don't know how to be anything else. If I do try the opposite, I become dissociative. An abstract shape that you can sketch the details into. It makes me sad.
What if I didn't find love though? Not in a catastrophic way, just weighing my options. What if it just never happened? For a brief second it was unsettling. I imagine passing away and no one noticing. I imagine the endless questions from the innocently curious on why I'm still single. I picture - no - I ruminate on the deafening silence of a silent home during a depressive episode. How the lack of sound becomes a sound itself. I would find myself trapped in my mind just to realize company itself was a distraction, because this life had always been a product of my mind. Self indulgent prophecies.
I thought about it some more. I'd also be someone who lives with no compromises. I could travel whenever I wanted to anywhere I want. I could eat anything I want for dinner forever. My decor choices would be entirely my own, never having to consider my partner's tastes. I've always wanted to move to the woods in old age. On that note, I could fully invest in my well being as an elderly person. No concerns of my living habits. These are all nice, but these benefits don't go far from the material.
If I did find my soulmate, and I didn't mess it up, how would I be sure it's them? Don't you feel that in your bones? How can you trust yourself after being wrong about so many things? I'm not sure why we look for them so intently. It reminds me of the way we chase after the idea of heaven. This vision motivates us even if we're not quiet sure what it is. We just try to live in whatever way we think will get us closer to it. I don't think it goes away in our soul's journey. I think it probably motivates us in all the phases of being. I worry about finding heaven in someone else. Either as a misguided attempt or a blinding light.
