if i was ever static
Small realizations kind of stack on top of each other and fortify you. I feel a lot of pressure from the world to be the best version of myself, when I don't think that's necessary. I think everyone is going through something. Even people who don't feel like they can hold more close to their heart. The things you will sometimes reject what you must. It's seemingly a struggle to have absolute faith in yourself.
I remember feeding the squirrels with my great grandmother. She used to pick up all the acorns from the back porch and store them in a bag to feed them. I remember feeding her once and it was like they were called to her. It was magical. They all recognized her care like instinct. I've never seen anything like that. Moments like those inspire me to hold onto the joys of a youthful spirit. She aged but never rotted, just renewed herself infinitely.
I've been making time for my "childish" interests. Have you played MiSide? I ended up projecting a lot of my feelings and experiences on Mita. I've realized I attract people looking to escape from their lives or themselves. No one ever suspects my depth and when they do sometimes they get scared. I feel more like a system of people rather than a single individual. Vast dark spaces. Most people choose not to stay because there is something "unreality" about it. They're sick of tying to understand me too, going down to my core. I don't understand what they mean and I don't think they do either.
Why does everything corrupt when I touch it?
A glitch contradicting itself. Not suppose to exist, but wills so anyway. I keep forgetting that I willed myself here in my past life as a sperm cell. I also fully accepted it as an egg cell. It's so interesting to remember there was a time I existed as two seperate physical forms at once. Life is created through merge and collision. When Lucifer made impact into the Earth, did he become overwhelmed with life? If evolution is us moving forward, what are we running away from?
I was void once. I felt no suffering and no joy. For what ever reason, I decided to come here. I decided to take the journey to become a soul. Even though sometimes I just feel like I'm just imitating what it's like to have a soul.I simultaneously wonder if my soul is too heavy to bare or if I'm just pretending that it is. Where did I come from? What about the void made me feel unsafe?
Observations of the self can go on forever. The mind isn't a place of peril, though. You'll reach parts that set off sirens in your body. It's okay to keep going. It helps you build faith in yourself. What's happening in there is happening all around you. So I keep going no matter what anyone says. There is something back there that I chose to get away from and I'm not letting anything bring me back. Even if I'm slowly moving forward, it's better than going back.
That's how realization works.
