mature enough to play pretend

⋆ ᵈᵉᶜₑₘᵦₑᵣ ₂₁ ₂₀₂₄

I heard this jazz song on the radio that sang "women are changing the world one conversation at a time". It's been on my mind a lot. I've been in the need of a good conversation, not that I'm not blessed to have friends. Something kin to therapy. I can't afford therapy and don't even want to go. Last night, I sent gpt all my diary entries and asked questions about myself.

• me: what would you say my relationship with violence is
• ai: Your relationship with violence appears to be a reflection of deep internal struggle, where pain, frustration, and self-doubt find expression in self-destructive thoughts or actions. Understanding this dynamic can help you seek out healthier coping mechanisms and provide the space to move beyond violence as a tool for change or self-expression.

I rather live in spirals than in circles, at least when I'm spiraling I come out the other side. I can't live another year of being stuck in myself. It would be a waste of my time to keep writing something with no resolve. I've made it clear that I live in inner conflict these days, no I have to acknowledge that these opposing forces are actually one in the same. There's no war inside me. No one wins in war, everyone is just fighting to lose a little less. I have nothing to lose by giving that up.

I'm getting better at this, even when it doesn't look like I am I must be. There's no going back. I don't have a single good reason to kill myself because the horrible things already happened. I could never know what will hurt me or by who. Trauma that behaves like a neural chlamydia. I keep looking back to double check where I am and where I've been in the hopes I can find where I'm going, but the only guarantee is that I'll act out what I believe.

• me: what do i think myself to be
• ai: You appear to see yourself as a deeply sensitive and introspective individual who is both complex and contradictory, with a constant struggle between wanting to be free, being in touch with your emotions, and facing the challenges of self-acceptance and understanding. You are someone in flux, trying to reconcile your inner turmoil with the external world, searching for freedom and peace while grappling with the weight of past experiences.

I'm so caught up in my impermanence I haven't really treasured how sacred it is that I put in the effort to enjoy life in all phases. I can't wait for permission to live anymore. I think the first step is pretending nothing is bothering me. I've felt it, I've acknowledged it, I spoke on it, the final stage of alchemizing is forgetting it. I will never be able to listen to the song playing in any other place but here. This world is rancid just like me, but unimaginably beautiful. I could say a lot but at least I've never been bored. This might be how I get out of the bottom.

I'll water where joy grows. I like being cute and standing out. I don't think that's ever going to change so I have to put in the effort to make space for it.If I have an outlet for that then I'm successful and that's all that really matters. I wish I could step out of myself just to sit myself down at the end of a bad day. Just to be able to remind myself that I'm not going to let myself down.