sobriety and self forgiveness
I said last entry that I keep my home environment sober, and I wanted to talk more about that. It's made my house feel safe in a way it never has. I not seeking perfection in sobriety, it's not a pure commitment to abstinence. I find myself eating junk food and getting crossed. Sometimes because of issues with my immune system I regret it, and sometimes it brings me back to Earth. Today I smoked a joint, drank vodka, ate cheese doodles, and the highlight of my day was eating a bowl of roasted cauliflower smothered in hot sauce. I'm currently cozy in bed, watching Venture Bros, pushing through my symptoms flaring up. I had a lot of fun today and I still am. I'm not interested in anything more than taking it moment by moment.
Sobriety isn't about control for me, it's about pursuing self empowerment. I hate being possessed by possessions. I also hate being in fear of myself and the world around me. Sometimes, I love it too. I used to do this thing where I'd purposely try to get so high I get scared or pass out. At the center of all pain I think is misunderstanding, and this desire to self destruct was a desire for catharsis. I didn't feel like I was feeling life and I think there are pressures not to. Feelings are treated as secondary to reason instead of a part of intuition. Our feelings tell us so much about ourselves, and what we believe to be real, which is everything. My desire to burn comes from admiration of flames to the point I wish I was one.
I won't get rid of this desire even though sometimes this feeling of deep self hate creeps up. Whenever I force myself to be something I'm not I end up creating something that hates me. I've just been trying to relate to it differently with no intention of neatly defining what it is and isn't. It's funny because when I became gentle with the parts of myself I hated, opportunities for different outlets came along. It is so much easier to forgive when the alternative is to remind yourself of what happened over and over again.
