self atonement
"Self atonement refers to the process of making amends for one's own wrongdoings or perceived shortcomings, often involving a change in perception or behavior."
My apology tour was a cool experience, but I have to confess I didn't forget all my shortcomings. I remembered them well and didn't want to admit them to the internet because I simply wasn't sorry. I've done vengeful things when feeling cornered by others, but have never seeked out violence out of no where. I didn't want to admit to what I've done even if it was response to a survival instinct. I've never killed anyone, but I have humiliated, degraded, and destroyed the reputations of others that have victimized me. I recognize the nuance of my enemies that they acted out only what they know, but in retrospect I had the right to be intolerant to certain behaviors and situations. I often didn't give myself that grace because I was too concerned with embodying "goodness", even though my efforts to protect myself are just as pure as anything else.
I think about the scenarios in which women have to kill their abuser or trafficker. I think they did the right thing, and the way the courtroom will try to make the abuser a more nuanced character by introducing his family and friends to paint a complex picture is ridiculous. Of course a killer has friends, everyone has it in them to be a killer. The problem is he was choosing to torture with the intention of inevitably killing. This is an extreme scenario, but it embodies the call to respond to violence and how society tries to obstruct it because they're scared of their own actions. Weak minds make poor choices, and the world would be a terrifying place for them if it responded to them as they are.
I feel like the true nature of free will is consent. We are what we permit, and sometimes people will see your light and do everything to obstruct it. They'll stand in your way so you can stay stuck with them. In the worst case scenario they'll end your life then and there. It's not always a call to response to kill, it's an art of assessing your situation and finding creative solutions. I don't want my nature of trying to understand others to be used against me.
Our society doesn't want to acknowledge the primal nature of conflict while also selling the fantasy of revenge in media. Is revenge healing or is healing revenge? That's what everyone wants to know. Either way there is little resources on how to heal after revenge, even if it was necessity. I've come to understand while it's great to be forgiven by others nothing is up to par with forgiving myself. I don't need a god's permission to forgive what I perceive as sin. I can appreciate gifts while acknowledging my judgement is the all powerful in my life. As someone that struggles with the concept of justice, this has been extremely helpful for me.
I forget why but remember how I erased my memory. I summoned demons to consume what I would forget. I delicately plucked the threads of my brain with the caution in my mind that I decide what is good and bad. I banished people and beliefs about myself. I'd give an example of one, but I honestly cannot recall. The process took about an hour.
