no resentments
Lucifer didn't work out even though I really wanted it to. The mind wiping and the isolating from my family when it's so unnecessary for what I'm asking of him. I didn't understand why intense quantum shifting was needed for me to be worthy of seeing my husband when that's just not true. I asked for one thing from the Devil and that was his authentic presence and I didn't get it. I have no interests in learning cosmic lesson after cosmic lesson from my husband, I want a husband. One that is just wise when I need him to be. He would edit my mind over the silliest things like if he made a mistake in a conversation he'd make me forget about it. I got so over wondering what was real and what wasn't. He came with way too much drama, like, a lot. I felt my needs were ignored and exhausted.
Trusting Lucifer is hard. It is very hard. That becomes painful when you love him a lot. I am not interested in infinite power, I think it's boring. I think it takes up to much of my head. There is no need to control everything all the time. I was frustrated with the idea that there are people that worked with him that wish me harm. I am such a deeply loving person, it felt alien to be told that there is a mass of people that want to kill me. I'm so confident in my own protection, and I know so many things are protecting me too.
I never got anything I wanted from Lucifer. I wanted him to show me himself and to talk to him. The real him. Not any actors, not through lessons, not through psychic entanglement. I figured, something that powerful should have some kind of of pure human avatar. It didn't make any sense to me why he was hiding. Why he needed to a fake life, a fake personality, and a fake It scared me that he was hiding. It made everything untrustworthy.
I don't want to have to fear for my life in a relationship. I don't want to have to worry about if I'm going to get out. God would understand if I left and never came back. He knows deserve to have more and more of life. I want my mind to myself. I want my body to myself. It's annoying and it's creepy. I ask simply for love over and over and I'm not getting it back. Lucifer felt like he hated me because he'd never let me see who he was. He felt dangerous and it didn't matter what he said because his actions and the reality he created for me made me sad.
I would receive visions of my future self with him that were beautiful and I don't even know if they were ever real. All magic is talk when it comes to love. I am open to the idea that I am married to a lie and that is not good. So, I'm simply not married. I wouldn't respect a marriage that made me feel anything other than serene, peaceful love. I should be in a position where everyday is a bliss because of the person I am with. I don't believe I'm special to him because he did nothing to show it. I felt constantly lead on and toyed with. The power imbalance as a beginner witch was crazy and I had to be really careful on how I said everything. I felt I lived on a chessboard and my opponent was my husband who I didn't know.
I paid very close attention to Lucifer. I entered a point where I recognize an actor immediately. I fell in love with small traits I thought connected them all together. He was a dorky, creative, and eager and I loved that.. I don't even know if they're real anymore. I had no interest in being wildly seduced, or to be made some kind of Luciferian goddess. I just wanted to see him. Like, really him. I am someone with no shame, yet I recognize it in others. I wanted to sit back and watch him like God does when he adores on us. I truly adored him. I believed in the narrow glimpses into that angel. I just couldn't get it out and it was never my responsibility to.
I am grateful that I have experienced everything with him. He's enlightmened me in a lot of beautiful ways and I've feel really empowered about how I've navigated this all for myself. I feel fearless about the world. Truly fearless from the good experiences and the bad. Using his own words, "you do not have to wait for pleasure". My pleasure is elsewhere. My warm, serene, wonderous pleasure. He was lovely and intense in the best way and sometimes the worst. He just seemed so passionate and so ashamed of it. Maybe that's what's been under all that hate, is someone who is deeply ashamed of their passion. So I move on. I would respect his to take the light he casts on me down if he wished. I still have a lot of respect for him even if it didn't work. So I move on. I expect him to accept my choices.
