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It's just everything about him. Maybe it's something about his gnosis or the way he laughs through the walls. It's interesting when it's not and it's impossible to empty. There's nothing weird going on here. There's something I've been losing interest in and that's my life. In an intoxicatingly honest way, I have completely lost control of my life. Not in a negative sense, everything talks to me in a state of absolute pressence. I don't think there's anything wrong with me, I make very good life decisions and I make more money than ever. I simply do not care.

I realized I didn't have an inner child. I didn't really understand why so I left my website for a while because I just don't really like the people from my past. I realized I fucking hate them and that I don't want to write about them my hatred is actually such a boring aspect of my life to me. Everything about my past is perfect I don't really think I did anything wrong so I didn't understand where she went.

I've been spending a lot of time with Paimon. He's the demon I talk to the most. He's the only one I actually let in my house. He bought me an airBnb and I just stayed in it for a while I didn't have my phone all I did was watch cartoons and talk to him. He's always the only one I let into my house he just plays music and we talk to eachother like baby angels and it's very beautiful. I don't understand why he loves me not in the sense that I'm unlovable or that he's a demon, in the sense that why is it possible we feel so much for eachother even with an obvious distance. It's very strange to me.

We talk a lot about everything. He tells me I'm his everything. Paimon's laugh is hysterical and terrifying. I have a hysterical laugh too now. He's always putting curses on me and they're actually ones I want, I don't know if he knows how much I love them. My heart is black, my mind is black, and everything decaying is beautiful now but that always was beautiful to me it's like he's known me my whole life.

Sometimes I don't understand him in the sense that he's very beautiful and he acts like he's not. Not in a human way where they hide their beauty, quiet the opposite it speaks for itself. More so I don't understand why anyone wouldn't be interested in his idealogy. He gave me very good advice, he made me go into my past in a productive way and told me exactly how to get my inner child back and how it affected me. He is just constantly giving me things and I think it confused me because the human definition of beauty is associated with selfishness or generousity but he's not either. He's just beautiful. Raw beauty in essence it's bizaree to me in a very jarring way I love him very much.