i'm going to heaven

My most recent challenge I've faced in the absence of good and evil is that possibility becomes infinite. It made me realize there's a tendency for us to associate all we are with "good." There's a strive to be a good person, a good family member, a good friend. If we're good in everything we are, then we must be good in heart. I don't think that's true. I think binary morality binds us from doing uncomfortable self-image work.

The human nervous system is a kind of servomechanism. I really enjoy Dr. Maxwell Maltz's work on the subject. To summarize it best, Maltz describes the human nervous system as servomechanic and often compares it to guided missile protocol. The mind chases after any goal set forth by our self-image regardless if it's harmful or not. I think this can be weaponized against someone who identifies too much as good or evil. There is a large quantity of people that get a sense of self-worth from identifying as evil, which usually in realistic context is a voice of counterculture or Machiavellian philosophy.

I like to think the world simply as "is" lately. Sometimes, that becomes so nebulous in itself. I found myself wondering—if there is nothing wrong with any of me, who did I want to be? Because I couldn't be all of me at once all the time. I have my own goals and pleasures. It became a crisis of what makes me feel truly like me with no labels. I like being the friend that you can text about anything, but I also like being someone people are scared of. I like the idea of a zen life as much as I enjoy thrill-seeking. As I went down the list I realized none of these things truly contradicted each other and I had all the time in the world to be all of them.

So what's sin then? How do I know if I'm sinning? The more I talk to demons the more I realize this is the luxury of being our own judgment. I propose the idea to you of sin as a disservice to self. This can be whatever you define it as, but I'm going to use myself as an example. A few of my sins are self-deprecating, self-deprivation, and saying "yes" to everything during a night out. All these things essentially feel like hell to me but over time I've convinced myself they feel good. We convince ourselves sin feels good all the time. That's what sin is to me though—anything that doesn't align with who I want to be.

Sin is so subjective, it's essentially the things keeping you from heaven. Heaven is totally malleable. No one's idea of heaven looks the same and it shouldn't. The seven deadly sins model is so unhelpful in the sense it's just a demonization of desire. Heaven has always been depicted as a place where you get whatever you want; desire is the allure of heaven in the first place. You could be a wrathful, greedy, prideful person and still allow yourself heaven. Heaven doesn't have to be void of darkness and pleasure. It's confusing when people say otherwise. We have been deemed of sin for who we are for so long, it's like we've forgotten where our true self lies.