tree
I rolled out of bed the other day in just my pajamas and combat boots. What was suppose to be a train ride to the store became a trip all the way downtown. I ended up at an exhibit at the library near Grand Central. They call it the "Treasures" exhibit, or something, where they feature their collection of various legacy pieces.
Imagine my surprise to the surplus of occult items they had on display. I almost wish I brought my phone, but I'm sure they have their collection listed somewhere online. Buddhist metal prayer boards written in tamarind ink, magickal formulas for summoning demons, and early iterations of esoteric astrology. The focus point was their recent curation of writer James Baldwin's works. I overheard a clumsy tour guide talking about the struggles of his past. I felt more interested in what was unveiled to him in his lifetime that lead his work as a centerpiece to this collection. I also wondered if the other visitors knew what they were looking at. There was a lot of black, white, and red.
I got hungry so I went deeper downtown. I wasn't going to find any food I could afford (or was worth paying for) in the tourist trap vortex of Manhattan. Went to the East Village, didn't run into any gutter punks or hippies this time. The red star told me to go to the tree, and I thought it meant the big tree at the park. I walked to the park and saw it. I saw the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time.
A tall, lean pine tree dressed in white lights. The bulbs made streaks against the pines that looked like shooting stars falling from the sky. In the middle of this concrete maze was a twinkling angel catching all of the stars that were absent from the city's skylines. I was in disbelief that something so precious and beautiful could exist here. That I could look at it for as long as I wanted at no price. I stood inside the tree, my back against the trunk. I looked at the cords coil around the branches in awe. My heart was buzzing.
The temporal nature of the entire moment made it even more mesmerizing. I had no way to capture it, and I don't think any photo could capture what that tree made me feel. I felt it get colder, and I knew I couldn't stand there forever. As I walked away I cried. I cried at the thought of never being able to return to that moment. I cried out of gratitude for my hardships that allow me to appreciate something so magical. I felt as if before that moment, I had been taking all the beauty of my life for granted.
I've been so stressed out lately. My responsibilities, my regrets, my longing for what I am not. The desire overtakes me again, as I hope I can use it to will the person I think of when I see beautiful things, to emerge from the barriers of my simulation and reach out to them for a hug. I realized how burdensome desire really was. Everything was not to be, and it made me feel as if reality was stagnating. My heart may be true, but it needs to make peace with what is. My world is upside down, and just like everyone else I'm doing my best. The bitterness and frustration dissolves. My shackles disappear.
What a beautiful tree.
