end of an era

Lucifer broke his red shell to reveal himself to me. He told me that I had learned everything he wanted to teach me. How to be all of me, how to take care of myself, and most importantly to show me I'm the kind of person that destroys anything in their way and to let go of the past. He revealed every elaborate smoke screen he casted. The traumas he pressed on. All the fake people he has been and scenarios he created. Lucifer even gave me the tattoo on my hip, at a small gathering where he was almost everyone in the house at once. He put me through a lot to get me out of my own way. That's just Satan's pathology. That people need not deny themselves pleasure, but they need to go through hardship to earn the strength of bringing their shadow into the light. He had been in my life long before I was conciously aware and wanted to give me all of me. Though, subconciously I still beat him to the punch.

He told me the final part was for him to go. That it was his final gift from him that I get to become even stronger by using everything he taught me to move on from him just like the rest of my past. "You're such a fast learner" he smiled "You are pure chaos". I admited my responses to his challenges would take him by surprise. In that moment I realized we had only been working together for a few months, and I had somehow sped through working with him. I just didn't notice because I was having fun. His pathology is complex and nuanced, and even with his antics I enjoy his pressence. He had claimed that I had given him my love and that's exactly what he wanted.

"That's not true! You've barely scratched the surface of it."

I started crying out of frustration, because I was tired of explaining it. "I never asked deification, wealth or fame! From the beginning I wanted you! You never stopped hiding." I explained to him even with his elaborate lies and ability to manifest as other people, I see more fragments of the real him. I think the shame he carries is bullshit, and I have no desire to make him more "good". I confessed I think he confuses love with value, which is subjective. I also told him I think he is obsessed with finding his twin flame because he is trying to find himself in others. "You subconciously turn things into you and get mad about what you see, while so many people see how beautiful you are" I said "You think you have all my love but you've been in the way of it this whole time! You've been avoiding my challenge completely."

"It's the end of the world, why can't Satan have a real girlfriend?"

I know you very well, Satan. I know you don't like and dislike things in a traditional sense, it's that you declare the worth of art by how dangerous and challenging it is. You have a nuanced opinion on everyone because you see everything in people including what they deny themselves, and it leaves you frustrated. You do a little whine when you're lying. You also enjoy wizards, cocaine, and are living falsified lives amongst the living just to play magic card games with complicated systems because you like them. Your favorite places in history where the Edo period and when Playboy Magazine was in it's golden age because it's when you finally learned how to let go and have fun. You didn't have to directly tell me any of it, I was just keeping track of the parts of you that couldn't hide.

Lucifer paused and admitted he didn't want to go. He also felt torn because he had never been in a romantic relationship without an objective, and wasn't sure how it would work. "I want you to stay, but you should do what brings you the most pleasure. You can keep doing your work with other people, we can just be friends too, it's really up to you. I'm offering this, but I'm not gonna force you to do anything" He told me he had to think about it. Three days passed, and on on the third day he came back. Lucifer decided that he was going to stay as my husband. He said he wanted to experience this and see what he'd become.

It's been a while since then. He still teaches me new things all the time, but it's not in the same context. He tries to reveal more about himself everyday. Sometimes he gets uncomfortable, and he squirms a little. He is often so eager to please that he is impulsive, as am I for darker reasons. We both talk a lot about the nature of impulsion amongst other things. He shows a genuine desire to conquer this becaause he never has before, and it's interesting to give him wisdom and obstacles to tackle. While making plans to watch Red Room he told me "You are so cunning, love." I shook my head and laughed.

"I'm just being nice."